So lately I’ve been feeling a little lost. I have a loving husband who I truly believe is my soul mate, we have our own little house and we both have full-time jobs. Money is tight, but we make the most of things and save hard so we can enjoy little treats and holidays each year. A lot to be grateful and thankful for, which I am. I really, really am. I always try my best to look on the bright side of life and yet I’ve got a little niggle inside that I just can’t shake.
My job is OK, it doesn’t set my soul alight, but it pays the bills. I’ve never had a burning desire to sell toilet seats. I’m 35 years old and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. My sister always knew she wanted to be a nurse since she was a little girl- that was it and that’s what she does. I’ve never had that calling, I’ve drifted about from job to job. I’m jealous of people who do have that burning desire to aim for. I’m not lazy- I work really hard in whatever job I do and give it my best, but I’ve not had that career path to follow. That something that I feel would define who I am.
I fell into a profession when I was in my late teens and did an apprenticeship in Dental Technology Science. I worked my way up and had a good job and a decent wage but I hated it. The people were great, but I had just had my fill of the job. I had an epiphany one day and decided life was just too short to do something I hated and so went to do something I loved- I got a job in a little tearoom. There I loved the job, but the rest of it wasn’t working for me, and so I moved on to my current job and my current situation. The people are nice and the job is OK. It’s convenient. There’s plenty of things I like and enjoy in life, but I can’t see a profession that would accommodate any of them. Nothing that would bring in steady money and pay the bills anyways. Is it unreasonable to want to do a job that you enjoy and that gives you fulfillment? A job where you feel appreciated, valued and as though you’re doing something worthwhile? A job that takes the pressure off money worries?
More and more recently I have a feeling as though I’m constantly waiting for something, I feel like I’m wasting my life. I don’t get to see my husband as much as I would like- which is my main concern- I feel like we’re both chugging along on this work orientated merrygoround. I know I’m not utilising my full potential and it’s all slowly getting to me. My husband is my biggest fan and he always tells me I’m wasted where I am and I could do anything. Bless him. I know there’s something I’m meant to be- I know I could do and achieve so much more than I currently am. I just don’t know what it is. I think I’m a good all-rounder, I can turn my hand to pretty much anything and pick up new skills easily, I just don’t know what it is I’m looking for or where to even start.
Now, it isn’t just as easy as packing your job in and going travelling, living the life of Riley to find yourself. I wish! Unfortunately we have a mortgage, bills to pay and commitments to fulfill. I’m just not that type of person to leave everything a mess and not settle my debts. I know something magical isn’t going to just fall into my lap either. If you want something, you need to work hard and go after it. But what if you don’t know what it is you’re chasing? Once you become an adult, you fall off everyone’s love list. There isn’t really anyone to go to for guidance or help or advice. You’re an adult- you’re meant to know what you’re doing. There’s plenty of job search engines out there- but I really struggle to get enthusiastic when scrolling through those. And again, when you don’t know what you’re looking for, how can you find it? I do occasionally stumble across a job vacancy that sparks interest in me and I eagerly read on for further details, only to be thwarted by the ‘experience essential’ criteria. It can be disheartening. How can you get experience if you can never get your foot in the door?
A dream of mine is to open my own little tearoom. I know it won’t make me a millionaire, but if I could pay my own way and get by being my own boss, that would be something. However, to start up your own business you need funding and that type of business needs to be in a good location- where I live is not a good location. So then do I need to look at selling my house and moving on? Probably facing a negative equity situation. Starting up your own business is a big risk, a leap in faith. Then there’s my husband’s job to consider too… At the moment we don’t have the funds and I’m not so sure I have the faith either. So what to do? I genuinely want to know….
I am really grateful for my job, I am. I know there are a lot of people out there who would kill for a job in today’s climate. It’s not to be sniffed at- but should fear of not having a job, keep you in a job you’re unhappy with? Surely there must be more to life than plodding on? Well, there is.
Ultimately, you need to listen to that little voice inside. If you are unhappy, you need to pro-actively do something about it. No one else will. This is easier said than done. To some people, risk taking is nothing. You don’t like a job, you quit and get another- worry about the details later. For others, you need to procrastinate and worry and work every little thing out before dipping your toe in the waters. That’s fine- don’t be hard on yourself, just remember no one can live your life for you and no one else will make your decisions for you either. You have one shot at this life and you don’t want to look back with regrets, that you spent most of it unhappy.
Sometimes it’s not what you’ve got or what situation you’re in, it’s just how you look at it. So, as I said right at the start- I have a lot to be thankful for. I keep these things at the forefront of my mind and practice gratitude and thanks. These are the things I go to work for- life does not owe me anything. I need to work for the things I want, trips to the places I want to go to and for money to treat and spoil the people I want to. It’s a means to an end and I’m grateful I have that means.
Being grateful does not mean you have to settle though. There’s nothing wrong with having appreciation yet still wanting something different. I may not have all of the answers to all of the questions, so I may not know what I want to do when I grow up, that’s OK!- it doesn’t mean I can’t take steps and add strings to my bow while I go. Look into learning skills or taking courses that I feel would be beneficial in someway in the future. That way I’m not standing still, I’m still working towards that mysterious something- even though I haven’t decided what that is yet!
Maybe I’m demanding too much from my job too- is that really the thing that defines me? That may not be where I find my fulfillment and purpose- I’m possibly looking in the wrong areas of my life. I do my little blog, I enjoy it and get a real sense of achievement and I do feel as though I’m doing something worthwhile when people get in touch to say I’ve helped them with something, or a blog piece I’ve done has resonated with them. Just that one person can make all the difference. What else do I have in me to give? Could I be putting more out there? Something to think about.
Life really is too short to be unhappy. We don’t have to make a series of rash decisions in an attempt to feel better though. If you don’t know what move to make, maybe you should stay put until you do. Sometimes just thinking things through, realising how fortunate we are and being thankful, giving ourselves a few home truths and making a plan of action can make us feel so much better about things.
What do I want to be when I grow up?- A few months ago, a Facebook friend of mine posted something along the lines of, ‘I haven’t got a clue what job I want to do when I grow up. But I know when I grow up I want to be kind, loving and caring..’ Something like that. I loved that! Not a shabby thing to want to be at all ♥ that’s what I want to be.
I think I’m pretty much there, I am what I want to be when I grow up. 🙂 I’m not perfect! But I’m constantly trying at it and I think overall succeeding. Living the dream. ♥
With much love,
Miss Kimmy Cupcake xx